Confessions of a Blogger

Me Myself and I - all of it © Emmanuelle Lambert

There’s something I need to tell you. Something I only had an epiphany about two days ago but have sensed for a while. Something unconscious that I managed to pinpoint two days ago.

See, two months ago I started writing Morning Pages. “WTF?” I can hear you say. Morning Pages are 3 pages of stream-of-consciousness writing that you (are supposed to) do first thing in the morning, as introduced by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way. I had to stop because of this bloody numbness in my hands in the morning, and that mothafookin’ tendinitis.

I’m back at it again, except I have reworked around the concept to make them Evening Pages (translation: I’m too bloody lazy to wake up half an hour earlier to write, for guru’s sake). And I have to say, although not everything I write in there is top quality, unwrapping my thoughts in such a way has been a powerful tool. I even get a-ha moments. I’m floored.

So here’s what I found out.

I’m holding back. Here. On this very blog.

I’m holding back on my writing. I’m holding back on the topics (I hate that word, honestly, it sounds like a marketing tool). I’m holding back on the form. Meaning I’ve been feeling dissatisfied about my writing lately. And still I hit the publish button.

Yes, I write some weird stuff sometimes. Ok most of the time. But darling, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

I know, I can see bewilderment in your eyes (’cause I have super powers allowing me to see people reading my blog, and also because I’ve always wanted to use that word). “Why would you do such a thing?”. Why would I do such a thing?

Raw, unedited, excerpts of my Friday Morning Evening Pages*:

“Why am I still afraid to show who I really am and what is deep inside of me? I’m still shutting off and not allowing myself to be vulnerable enough so I can let shine fully what needs to shine out to the world. (…) Maybe I’m scared because I don’t really know who I am yet and I’m still searching. I don’t own my story just yet. I don’t fully own who I want to be and who I feel I am. (…) Writing about one subject only gets me mad. It makes me mad because I’m struggling with all these parts of myself, trying to bring them all together, and I feel they deserve to be seen. (…) (And now for the Big One) I still need validation. I would rather own my own story and have the validation come from me. I have to show myself to the world without expecting anything.”

A-HA! Now do I get the Gita or what?

Anyway, conclusion: I’d rather write an essay my heart agrees fully with than write what I feel people expect from me. I’d rather write a post that is completely in alignment with my values and feelings than hit the publish button ever again for something I am not fully satisfied with.

And my first ever writer’s advice: I would suggest you do the same.

*I know you’re all wondering: yes, even my Morning Evening Pages are done in English. Why not French? You tell me. I’m clueless.

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20 responses to “Confessions of a Blogger

  1. Hey lady. Write your heart out and do it here. Write like your life depends on it. We’ll all be grateful that you did, okay?

  2. I’m so glad you shared this and glad you’re ready to put You out there ~ I’ll read it and love it. And you!
    ♥♥♥

  3. i love this post darling!
    You go for it and dont ever hold back from who you are – YOU rocks!

  4. I felt your supergoddess power watching me as I was reading this!
    I was writing a daily page a while back and I loved doing it – don’t know why I stopped – so thanks for the inspiration to start back again.
    Looking forward to reading your writing from the heart – you go girl!

  5. Yay you for shifting the practice so that it works with you and for you – and look at the reward! What an epiphany! Here’s to being all-in.

    • Jamie thank you so much for your work, you have no idea how inspiring you have been to me 🙂
      You know how I kind of phantasize of that sentence “one day, I might just be talking to you” 😀

  6. I love that you are calling them evening pages. I have resisted starting them again because I did not want to dedicate my morning time to them. Now, I have no excuse.
    P.S. I love how MP can help you reach paydirt(as J.Cameron calls it). Keep on, keeping on.

    • Oh Keishua I am so happy to read this! I so understand you about the morning, but I felt I had to do them somehow, so evening here I come. As I say, it’s morning somewhere on earth anyway 😉

  7. i think i felt that superpower observation stuff shine off my bald spot, so my apologies for any sun-spot-like bleariness you might’ve experienced 😉

    hey, “I have reworked around the concept to make them Evening Pages” –

    that alone was worth the creative effort!

    re “I still need validation”

    – i wonder (truly) what it’d mean when and if we, as a person, no longer needed a validation…would that really mean anything good? wouldn’t something important to us, from us, in us, of us, have to have validated whatever stance we’d be taking against “everyone” else, and wouldn’t that still have been a, validation? – don’t mind me, just some afternoon meanderings…

    did i say i really like your photo? 😉

    • I think at some level there is validation, always, unless you live in a cave in India 😉 Even when you’re “against” and everyone boos at you, you still attract attention, which is what we all seek, whether we like it or not.
      We humans are social beings, we can hardly live completely on our own. Interaction means validation, whether we’re conscious of it or not.
      Putting ourselves out there on the World Wide Web is just a illustration of this.
      And now I have a headache 😀

  8. Pingback: Full Flower Moon – May 2011 | Plans On A Comet

  9. If I held back I would have no blog. period. speak from your heart and let it flow… we’ll be here to read it. i loved this post.. one of your best!

  10. Pingback: A Gentle Clearing | Plans On A Comet

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